Dear Mount Redoubt,

All the other volcanos are laughing at you.

What the fuck kind of volcano are you?! You're supposed to strike terror in the hearts' of homeowners everywhere. Farting ash five times a night is not terrifying... maybe to your volcano girlfriend but NOT to the rest of us. So... what's the deal, volcano? It seems every douchebag that comes out of Alaska these days is an attention starved whore.........................................

You should run for Retarded... I mean, Republican office in 2012 too!

I hate to be the bearer of bad news... but all the volcanos in my hood said, "you'za fag. You don't erupt, you just a flamer." I know that hurts, but god dammit I'm trying to help you here! Everyone is Mount Redoubting your sexuality with each little limp-wristed puff of ash. There has even been talk of you frolicking around a Pottery Barn with Lance Bass looking at window treatments. It's only a matter of time until that shit is on perezhilton.com, volcano!

Don't act brand new...MAN THE FUCK UP AND ERUPT ALREADY.

thanks,

angryturtle

Dear Nicholas Cage,

You horse-face son of a bitch.

That is the only possible way I could think to start this letter. You have offended me, Mr. Cage. Bangkok Dangerous??? Really?? A hit man that grows a conscience and doesn't want to kill. It's been done! Grosse Pointe Blank with John Cusack. Personally, I absolutely adore that movie mostly because there is no trace of your punk-ass face in it... and Minnie Driver gives me a tiny turtle boner...

Your horrible movies are one thing but I am mostly offended by how purely inconsiderate you are. Did you ever stop to think, "Maybe I should wear some type of pleasant mask, or just a bag over my head since I am so god damn ugly." NO, YOU NEVER THOUGHT THAT. BECAUSE YOU'RE A SELFISH DICKHOLE.

Naturally, as a reptile, I would solve this dilemma by simply eating your face. However, Mr. Cage, I KNOW IT WOULD TASTE HORRIBLY BLAND AND BORING! AND THAT IS COMING FROM SOMEONE WHO EATS FUCKING GRASS ON THE REGULAR.

Do you ever make a different face? Even I have more than one! There's docile turtle and SNAPPIN' TURTLE, WATCH OUT!

I bet you even make that stupid ass face when you sleep.

Get a new fucking face. Not like in Face-Off where you just traded your face, NO! I never want to see that shit again. Get a new fucking face, immediately... and kill the old face with fire.

Thank you,

angryturtle