You horse-face son of a bitch.
That is the only possible way I could think to start this letter. You have offended me, Mr. Cage. Bangkok Dangerous??? Really?? A hit man that grows a conscience and doesn't want to kill. It's been done! Grosse Pointe Blank with John Cusack. Personally, I absolutely adore that movie mostly because there is no trace of your punk-ass face in it... and Minnie Driver gives me a tiny turtle boner...
Your horrible movies are one thing but I am mostly offended by how purely inconsiderate you are. Did you ever stop to think, "Maybe I should wear some type of pleasant mask, or just a bag over my head since I am so god damn ugly." NO, YOU NEVER THOUGHT THAT. BECAUSE YOU'RE A SELFISH DICKHOLE.
Naturally, as a reptile, I would solve this dilemma by simply eating your face. However, Mr. Cage, I KNOW IT WOULD TASTE HORRIBLY BLAND AND BORING! AND THAT IS COMING FROM SOMEONE WHO EATS FUCKING GRASS ON THE REGULAR.
Do you ever make a different face? Even I have more than one! There's docile turtle and SNAPPIN' TURTLE, WATCH OUT!
I bet you even make that stupid ass face when you sleep.
Get a new fucking face. Not like in Face-Off where you just traded your face, NO! I never want to see that shit again. Get a new fucking face, immediately... and kill the old face with fire.
Thank you,
angryturtle
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