10 Things that scare the fuck out of me:

inspired by V.V. at twinkellewrites.blogspot.com.

1. People that pray via facebook status. If I poke Jesus, do you think he'll send me a drink??

2. Honestly, it only scares me that I have yet to become friends with ol' crazy eyes and the gospel McDonalds singers...

ps. that beat is SICK, BRO!

3. You should have to pass some type of intelligence exam before you can breed...

4. To all the rednecks that demand hispanics "learn our language or GET OUT", Your vocabulary makes me sterile. Which is cool... but you still scare the fuck out of me. Kill yourself.

5. Oooh hey, they have a bidet in this gas station restroom OOOOOH SWEET JESUS, TOILET SNAKE!

6. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, PULL OUT NEXT TIME! If you keep going at this rate there won't be any funeral attire from Goodwill for the rest of us!

7. Freakass Fingernail lady, your "determination" and "drive" do not distract from the fact that you look like you died in 1978!

8. Only in America is this kid NOT AN ABORTION.

9. This guy is not an extra in ZombieLand! He just fucking looks like this! Which means there are "pretty much zombies" running around Gwinnett County, Georgia. We need a survival plan and FAST!

10. White rappers... two things that just don't go together... like Richard Simmons and vagina...

Dear vulnerability,

fuck you.

-thursday. january. 14. twentyten.

...and at the most minute of arguments I can't help but hate you lately. I used to just raise my voice and use language more colorful than a Lisa Frank notebook circa 1993. Now, I glare. This is not just any glare. The kind of glare that sears the back of my eyelids. This heat could easily warm a family of five. My jaw locks and the pressure on my teeth causes an ache in my temples. And the silence. That "pin-drop" silence.

Reminds me of 2nd grade. After reading Matilda I thought I could melt my teacher's face with my eyes. I was always certain it was just about to work right before the bell rang.

Yes, my dear. Sometimes, I am trying to melt your face.-

When you break up after 5 years you can pretty much call yourself a divorcee. 5 years. That's 1,825 days. 43,800 hours. A shit-ton of minutes and seconds. No one ever just breaks up after this long. You drag it out. The seasons change. You try so, so hard. You cry, hug, laugh, belittle, push, pull...something will work... it WILL get better. I mean, it always has before.

Suddenly, you are absolutely clueless to relationships. You used to be a professional at love. A professor at love. You were $25 an hour away from teaching a class to all your friends.

How did we make it this far? (I need awhile to figure that out.)

What changed?

Maybe apologizing to other human beings for your behavior for the last 1,825 days got to me.

Maybe it was your music snobbery.

Maybe it was your pride and pretensions.

Maybe hearing songs of humpback whales echoing out of our bathroom everygoddamntime you use it annoyed me to the breaking point.

Maybe I did the math.

Maybe I need someone funny.

Maybe it's because you never take me out.

Maybe my friends said things like, "You two are absolutely NOTHING alike." or "I feel like you let him get away with murder."

Maybe your friends said things like, "Well, this is going to be another thing you will just have to get over."

Maybe you drank too much.

Maybe if you had a zipper on your mouth that would keep you from saying stupid shit without thinking we wouldn't be in this mess. Well, that's not a maybe. That's a fucking certainty.

Maybe this is just what happens as you get older.

Maybe I got bored.

(I need awhile to figure that out.)

thanks for your patience.

An empty house. A bottle of red wine. Laying on the floor listening to records. This day off was not nearly long enough.